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There is no lack of advice from old farmers. If an old farmer is sitting around in the drug store drinking coffee with a bunch of other old farmers, there is always one who has a smart-mouth response too whatever sage wisdom is being offered. Here is what I said about that other old farmer’s advice:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Unless your fence is meant to keep your neighbor out, or just be pretty, then it’s the gate that’s important.
Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
Unless your daughter married one. Then you gotta invite ‘em for holidays.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
But life is more fun if you go down to the co-op and get a stick of dynamite. Unfortunately you get do it just once for that dang stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
So just hang back. Put ‘er in first. Let the feller win and be rid of ‘im. If he keeps comin’ back, just keep a can of wasp spray in the tool box on that John Deere.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
That worked back when I could hear.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
But it seemed to get started when I got up the day after our wedding.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
And while you are at it, forgive your friends, too. Then they likely won’t become your enemies.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
And, if you can arrange it, don’t be cornered by something meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
But it might be good to have a good memory, otherwise you won’t get that sense of satisfaction when they get what’s comin’ to ‘em.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
So be sure you want to hurt ‘em forever when you say it. Be sure they know you forgive ‘em if they wish they hadn’t said it to you.
Every path has a few puddles.
But that don’t mean that you have to always wear galoshes.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
But if you expect to have a mess of mountain oysters for supper, it might be worth getting into the bog.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
And don’t worry about the congregation, or they might think you’re being pretentious.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
No matter what them preachers, politicians, and insurance agents tell you.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
But remember that nuts don’t fall very far from the tree.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Sometimes a concealed carry is the best answer. Sometimes, “without anchovies” is the best answer. Sometimes, if you just stand there, you really look stupid.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
And then, think back, and enjoy what you cudda done.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
But, then, what would you talk to the son-in-law about when he comes to visit?
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
And buying a penny stock, and picking the Cowboys as your favorite team, and tellin’ the punch line of a joke……
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Unless you KNOW you buried it there somewhere.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
What’s important is learnin’ when is which.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
That being the case, I’m gonna shave him and splash him with good smelling stuff and smile at him and try to overcome his troublesome ways.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
And don’t worry about that other herd farther upstream; they probably haven’t done anything in there yet, anyway.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
My good experiences probably didn’t have anything to do with my judgment at all. I say it does because I think it shows I have control.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
Keeping the cat in the barn is the easiest way to control the mice.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Heck, if you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, you are thinking too much.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God!
That, and leave as little as possible to the government.
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